I want to give up on this whole writing thing. I have said it out loud, and I still don’t feel any better there. Every day is a constant battle between what I “think” I should be doing and what my body will physically allow me to do.
As my therapist used to say to me, who is to say I should be doing anything? The answer is me, or at least the little voice in the back of my mind that dictates how I should spend my time and then makes me feel guilty about not spending my time that way. If I had the money or access to the necessary scientific resources, I would love to discover where that voice comes from. I can’t say if I would have it removed, but that is a problem for another day.
My real fear is, what would happen if I gave it up? Just walk away and let my life be what it is until the final curtain falls. Realistically, I have only just begun the “Middle act”, but I don’t know if that’s enough reason to carry on punishing myself with complex emotional states.
For all my time in therapy, this was the one thing that was never truly resolved. There were suggestions on how I should go about handling it. Advice that, in all honesty, I paid lip service to and promptly ignored. Those weren’t the issues which had driven me to seek psychological help in the first place. I didn’t have the emotional fortitude to take them on as well.
The whole thing is a locked chest in my mind’s storage space. Before, it was just another Lemarchand’s box in an attic full of them, but as I began clearing up the room and disarming the other dangerous puzzle boxes… Well, that’s the only dangerous one left. It sits there, taunting me to come along and play with it.
Other things have happened in my life this week, but none are really all that important or worth discussing. This was just a train of thought I had to ride to its natural conclusion. I don’t know if I feel any better about it or if a course of action has presented itself to me. Still, at least a little of the mental pressure has been alleviated and I managed to sneak in a Hellraiser reference!
Hopefully, we will be back to your regularly scheduled programming next week.